10 things I hate about psychics

10 things I hate about psychics

My brother has a new housemate. She’s a psychic. She can’t take out the garbage because she was attacked by hoarde of hungry rats in a past life.

Come to think of it, I was sucked up by a tornado 4,000 years ago which is why I hate vacuuming. And the pain in my tummy is certainly because I was a Samurai Swordsman who did that gory thing with knives. Nothing at all to do with blue cheese with pepperoni pizza.

I’m not putting down past life therapy. I have a ton of experience in that area. The creepy cult I joined at 18 was right into it. Their philosophy was if something’s bugging you, deal with it. 300 years ago or yesterday didn’t matter so much to them. Dealing with it was the point. I liked that part. What creepy cult, you ask? Same one a very famous movie star is in, you know…..that guy.

My brother’s housemate is now a weekly feature in our texts. This week, she’s promised not to fill the house with spirits, but to keep them only in her room and as the house piles up in some kind of Mexican garbage standoff, she’s probably smudging it for bad energy.

Using new age agendas to control circumstances or people is not OK.

Past life stories are perfect – there’s no evidence to back it up. Most of us are hard pressed getting through this life, without worrying about what happened 300 years ago. Most of us, if we get a splinter in our foot, will remove it fast, and get on with the business of walking. Others wanna limp.

Ten things I hate about psychics:

1. Wearing crushed purple velvet, or velvet purple anything.
2. Saying, “I knew that was gonna happen,” after stuff happens.
3. Using spiritual catch phrases to appear more spiritual, like “akashic records” or “off body chakras”
4. Wearing some third world’s mineral resources around your neck and wrists as abundance/peace/aura enhancing amulets.
5. Using intuition as a put down like, “She has a brownish stain in her aura.”
6. Consulting every card, crystal, and bird dropping for inner meaning.
7. Confusing patchouli oil with deodorant. One stinks – the other is deodorant.
8. Appropriating ten other cultures to appear deeper and more spiritually connected.
9. Giving psychic readings when no-one’s asked for them.
10. Blaming a past life instead of owning your stuff – yes I’m talking to you, housemate

I could go on, but I bet you have some fantastic ones of your own. Let’s hear them in the comments.

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Semi fictional story about me

In 1994, I had a midlife crisis, got a boob job and moved to Byron Bay.

Quickly realized there was nothing there but more boob jobs and white furniture, so I escaped faux-spiritual beach culture, went to Peru, and experimented with DMT.

While in Peru, fell in love with a Shaman who was really a plumber from Padstow, but stayed because of attachment issues.

After following a puma from the jungle, I holed up in a Scandi-style Air B’n’B and finally got enlightened.

Parts of this story are true.

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